a river

I’m not going to focus on the relapse. Also, I’ll mention I’m dealing with it better than I ever have, at least on the outside. And on the inside I’m so much closer to the response that I will myself to have over the whole condition. I’m not going to focus on it for example. I’m not going to make my entire life about it because it’s not even my relapse. But I will name it here. Because it is a reality around me and an effect and a dull aching thought within me. And I’d like to leave it here for now. I’m purging my mind of unneeded clutter. These words can sit in my yard for sale and be useful somewhere else. It’s summertime and I’m filled with urges to clear out and learn and stand by rivers that woosh me away in heart and mind.

Sometimes I wake up already tired from my own thoughts yammering. This morning I just watched them tick around and round. They need a place to land their tiresome business so I’m purging here to make room for what the days going to bring to my questioning mind and grateful heart. Here I can see the ticking of thoughts in real time round and round they go. Trying to find loopholes in my apparent truth that my wishes could live around.

I wish I could love better, bolder, fiercer. I wish the little sticks that people throw at me didn’t bother me so much. Their words pushing and tugging on me. I wish that it didn’t give me the feeling to harden off and pout while creeping back. I feel like a river must feel. A river that is so full of passion and lust for life, who panics when it discovers men trying to dam it up. And so it might push back at first and try to roll the other direction with stubborn rational. But we all know rivers can only travel in one direction, towards one destination. What is the river to do then? Once it’s been dammed and discouraged? Should it allow its passions to wean? It’s lust to lessen? It’s journey to die? No! It should tire that dam out (eventually) and wash it away with fierce love and determination! It should remain fed and full within the spirit of itself. Which can never be dammed up. Which makes its journey through dreams to the Unity it craves. And it should live in its trying. And in its questions and suffering and let its passion push an energy into the world that could only come from such suffering in the first place! It should know the block is part of the journey itself. It just authenticates its desire and drive. The journey is the dam, is the panic, is the confusion and the confidence it forges. The journey is the joining of other brothers and sisters of life who also dedicate their “trying” to the same journey. The journey of Life-giving Love towards the freedom of a great Ocean. And that’s what I will focus on.

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