A River:

I’m not going to focus on the relapse. Also, I’ll mention I’m dealing with it better than I ever have, at least on the outside. And on the inside I’m so much closer to the response that I will myself to have over the whole condition. I’m not going to focus on it for example. I’m not going to make my entire life about it because it’s not even my relapse! But I will name it here. Because it is a reality around me and an effect and a dull aching thought within me. And I’d like to leave it here for now. I’m purging my mind of unneeded clutter. These words can sit in my yard for sale and be useful somewhere else. It’s summertime and I’m filled with urges to clear out and learn and stand by rivers that woosh me away in heart and mind.

Sometimes I wake up already tired from my own thoughts yammering. This morning I just watched them tick around and round. They need a place to land their tiresome business so I’m purging here to make room for what the days going to bring to my questioning mind and grateful heart. Here I can see the ticking of thoughts in real time round and round they go. Trying to find loopholes in my apparent truth that my wishes could live around.

I wish I could love better, bolder, fiercer. I wish the little sticks that people throw at me didn’t bother me so much. Their words pushing and tugging on me. I wish that it didn’t give me the feeling to harden off and pout while creeping back. I feel like a river must feel. A river that is so full of passion and lust for life, who panics when it discovers men trying to dam it up. And so it might push back at first and try to roll the other direction with stubborn rational. But we all know rivers can only travel in one direction, towards one destination. What is the river to do then? Once it’s been dammed and discouraged? Should it allow its passions to wean? It’s lust to lessen? It’s journey to die? No! It should tire that dam out (eventually) and wash it away with fierce love and determination! It should remain fed and full within the spirit of itself. Which can never be dammed up. Which makes its journey through dreams to the Unity it craves. And it should live in its trying. And in its questions and suffering and let its passion push an energy into the world that could only come from such suffering in the first place! It should know the block is part of the journey itself. It just authenticates its desire and drive. The journey is the dam, is the panic, is the confusion and the confidence it forges. The journey is the joining of other brothers and sisters of life who also dedicate their “trying” to the same journey. The journey of Life-giving Love towards the freedom of a great Ocean. And that’s what I will focus on.

What I know (a list of some things I’ve learned so far):

1. I know what it’s like to have different colored days
2. I know the wash of the moon as it travels on its monthly journey
3. I know the smell of fear
4. And the whisper of faith
5. I know what it’s like to love like the Moon loves the sea, it can be a secret, subtle, lonely bliss
6. I know the break of the boards beneath my feet.
7. I know the flip of frustration
8. And the chains of stagnation
9. And the halo of bright righteous peace
10. I know what reunion feels like
11. I know what a map can cover up
12. I know the words that might turn me inside out
13. I know clinging
14. I know detachment
15. I know this moment in time is a fraction of the infinite
16. I know the more I know the less I know
17. I know I’m ready for anything, because I have to be
18. I know there’s rules in this game
19. I know it’s a game
20. I know Curiosity and I know Hunger (and they are siblings)
21. I know Passion and it’s illusive sparkle and brilliant code of suffering
22. I know the power of words
23. I know the love of a seed
24. I know the season of Grief, it is Transformation’s prerequisite
25. I know really good love is drenched in laughter
26. And mistakes and trying
27. I know singing will stop anxiety in its tracks
28. I know the seed of courage is vulnerability
29. I know 120 seasons
30. I know 30 trips around the sun

The, when you need wholeness, love and clarity LIST:

Dear self,

When you feel like a sick, prick with no direction, read this.

  • Read things that you’ve written. – this is your trail of breadcrumbs, your way back home.
  • Drink more water.
  • Take your mind herbs – your nervous system is likely a whirling mess (especially if it’s Autumn) Take care of your brain and it will take care of you.
  • Long showers & candle light & self massage – you’re craving the sweet taste.. but really you know you’re craving love, touch, and warmth.
  • Don’t forget to feel – stop chasing “info” & “facts” and just fucking feel.“Know what you know, and if you don’t know something, know that its okay because it is the truth.” – Melody Beattie
  • Remember this is temporary – this may be what is true for you right now, but it is not all there is. “The truth will set you free…but first it will piss you off.” – Gloria Steinem
  • Dance.
  • Drink Chamomile tea.
  • Eat food that is Alive – that means there is still a shred of life in it, it hasn’t been processed to death or over cooked. Life energy gives way to life energy – if you are feeling dead inside, don’t add more dead stuff to the mix.
  • Write – just write, even if its just a stupid list telling you what you already know (especially if what you know is gratitude.)
  • Reach out – write a letter, go to a meeting, send the same text to dozens of people in a desperate, honest, abrupt attempt to know you aren’t alone – send the message you would like to receive. We get what we give. (Hey _____ (one or all/any people I know) Hope you are doing awesome shit and taking good care of yourself. I really appreciate you.)
  • Go outside – or at the very least, LOOK outside. (the natural world is honest and longing to show you what’s real)
  • Don’t (just don’t) expect to know anything right now – this includes: what you’re doing, who you are, or where you’re going… “And I’ll be the most beautiful in this moment… or the most cynical and strange, I can always rearrange, I can always find myself just how I am.”
  • Deep belly breathing (deep breaths for a young (wo)man learning)
  • Stick to as many of your rituals as you can. (remember gratitude first thing in the A.M. work when it’s time to work, eat when it’s time to eat, dance when it’s time to dance, honor your quiet time rule after dinner, take your vitamins, brush your teeth, consult your planner)
  • Ponder the notion that Life is just a ride at some cosmic amusement park…
  • Find your most extreme feeling and counter it – If you feel cold (cold hands, cold thoughts, cold heart) give yourself warmth (hot tea, warm stories, self massage) If you’re feeling crazy – go to what/where you feel stability (a straight line, hang out with rocks, tree pose) If you feel unorganized and full of too much distraction – go to what/where you feel is quiet or systematic (your planner, the library, sweep the floors) etc.. “Immerse yourself in the energy of what you most desire” – Hiro Boga
  • Go to your guides – trust in signs, talk less & listen more, see what your superstars are saying – open your favorite book of daily meditationsor poetry to a random page and read it.
  • Remember gratitude.
  • Fall face first into the pillows and scream – then burn some sage and say “thanks.”
  • Stop taking yourself so seriously – for today, remove every label you have ever applied to yourself except HUMAN and STUDENT.
  • Commit to asking yourself these questions a week from now – for now just collect the information you’ll use to answer them.
  • Listen to your PMS playlist -Songs for when you need to relax and remember that you are AMAZING and life is about learning and growing.

“So many times I’ve wondered where I’ve gone, and how I found my way back in.” – Norah Jones

With Love & Light,

Your truest Self