5 Ways to be Sick Without Grossing Everyone Out

Let’s just dive right in today, because I’m sick and have less energy to write a creative introduction on being a sick person, who feels gross and more importantly looks gross.

  1. Attempt to get better, don’t just whine about being sick.

Attempt to get better as soon as you notice your symptoms and don’t just try to cover them up and wait it out. Meaning don’t just take a bunch of Sudafed and continue to drink diet coke all day and eat junk food for the duration of your illness. There is nothing wrong with finding relief in the cold and flu aisle of the grocery store, but be sure you also hit the produce and tea section. And don’t forget the honey to add to tea and toast! Honey has antiviral and antibiotic properties, soothes sore throats and aids in healing. Replace the diet coke and coffee with tea and water. “What about my caffeine fix?” you might ask. You don’t need any because you should be resting! (also an important aspect of attempting to get better) Teas with Echinacea, Elderflower, Lemon, and Cinnamon not only bring relief to your symptoms but also strengthen your immune system. If people see you taking care of yourself, and not just staggering around sneezing in your nachos, they’ll be more inclined to look towards you with an attitude of compassion rather than revulsion.

2. Smile.

Even if you are raspy and your face is oozing, a smile is going to look and feel wonderful! People like happy people. Be as happy as you can muster. You’re going to need the added happy points on your side anyway, to counter your seemingly rude avoidance behavior, that is standard for being sick like, not shaking people’s hands or giving hugs and kisses good-bye. A smile also gives your face a nicer feature to focus on other than your crusted, chapped nose, and seeping pink eyes. And, for your benefit, smiles also help you heal faster! Facts!

3. Pass it off as allergies.

You may find yourself in a situation where it is really important that you do not come off as a disgusting sick person. For example, you may have a job interview you can’t cancel or run into that guy or girl you really want to “get to know better.” In this case, there is no other option but to avidly deny your illness. Most allergies produce similar symptoms, however, you are not as gross seeming when “it’s just allergies.” Maybe because allergies are usually temporary and don’t indicate you may be an unhealthy slob with a poor immune system. It’s not even really a decision for most people to reject you, it’s just a primitive instinct not to work with or sleep with a sicko. So, in this situation, you want to lie and smile as much as you can.

4. Dress nicer.

Like the smiling technique, this is also a mode for distraction. The nicer you look the more appealing you will be for sure. In addition, your sleek attire, perfect hair, and makeup distract from your profuse sniffling and phlegmy breathing that makes you sound like a purring kitten. It also makes you look more important. Everyone loves important people. It doesn’t matter that you’re sick because you do so much for the world and are so fancy and nice to look at. In their minds, you probably just caught something from working so hard or such close proximity with the sick and underprivileged children you are building a school for somewhere.

5. Play hard-to-get.

You don’t want to lead on that you are sick or out of commission to that dreamy date or sexy lover of yours. So instead of risking turn-off or rejection, you change your game a little. You must become a mysterious tease, that only gives just enough and has epic plans for future escapades. You’re looking at some serious foreplay here, which as you can imagine is not necessarily a bad thing. You have time to recover from your repulsive illness and they have time to fall even more lustfully in love with you. Win-win! You’re sexy, not gross.

It’s more often we are tempted to pretend that we are sick, not vice versa. Obviously, it is just as imperative that we know how to “play well” as it is to “play sick.” My heart goes out to all the fellow sickos reading this. Take care of yourself… I’ll see you out there.

Curious

* Found this poem I wrote in High School while I was looking for old material for a poetry contest. Thought I’d share it. Since it’s one of the only comical poems I’ve ever written…

We had spoken before, just a short “Hello, Goodbye.”
He was kind of jumpy, but an interesting guy.
It wasn’t really stalking; I was just curious where he’d go.
It couldn’t actually be a crime, just to want to know.
Oh, those pictures I’d taken? They were only for fun.
I had to take so many, well, it was hard to get a nice one
with him always on the run.
No, I didn’t break into his house.
He mistook me for the maid,
whom I assure you, I wasn’t trying to impersonate.
I haven’t a clue how she could have gotten in my trunk.
Or, for that matter, how the car could have so strangely fallen off that cliff and sunk.
The night in question? I was at a mad party with a hatter and a hare.
I don’t know what got into me. I’m sure I just had too much tea.
I must not have realized how many messages I had left on his machine.
But I assure you I wasn’t trying to harass him.
I just had a question I needed to ask him.
And the park where I jog is just so close to Mr. Rabbit’s home.
I certainly didn’t mean to loiter.
And, so you see, I really find no need for this restraining order.

 

5 Ways to End an Argument

We all know those people that just love to argue, love to get heated and “get their feelings hurt”.  I might sound insensitive, but no! The insensitive thing would be to ignore that these people exist and that their feelings matter.  First of all, if you find yourself in a situation with this sort of person, do the kind thing and give them what they want.  It’s healthy to express our selves, after all.  And you can’t end an argument that does not exist.  So, for the sake of this article we must have one.  You may be a lover not a fighter, but that doesn’t mean we are always surrounded by people alike. These people could be a best friend, a mother-in-law, a landlord, a sister, a whiny pubescent teenage time-bomb, whatever the case, I find these five tactics may lead to peaceful resolution.

Tactic # 1, Apathy:  Apathy is a wonderful expression because it is neither submissive nor threatening. Simple dismissal or lack of emotion is usually very uninteresting in an argument.  The antagonist often finds this dull and sees no point pursuing an unavailing attempt to fight with you.

Tactic # 2, Sarcasm:  The word sarcasm is derived from a Greek word meant to describe the way wild dogs tear flesh off the bones of their prey.  If you know how to use it, sarcasm is word artillery at its finest. The right comment with just enough sarcasm smeared on it will act fast and hit unexpectedly knocking the wind out of any confrontation. I would not recommend this strategy with authority figures. But for that “quippy” little preteen or adolescent, this is perfect.

Tactic # 3, Patronization:  This has proved very effective with those particular breeds of people that are right no matter what.  The question you want to stop and ask yourself in an argument with someone of this nature is “How many minutes of my life do I want to waste being unconditionally wrong?

A. Until I’m interrupted by a phone call?

B. Until the 3-4 minute song on the radio that I’m focusing all my attention to is over?

C. just long enough to realize I can’t even enjoy the song ’cause they’re talking over it?

D. Until my brain ruptures inside the skull acting as a defensive, self-destruct mechanism?

The answer is C, my friends and the solution is tell them whatever they want to hear and get on with your life.

Tactic # 4, Flattery: Flattery is your man, if you are looking for a win/win situation. You are in the middle of a meaningless squabble with your best friend, a simple complement or act of love puts you one step closer to reconciliation. Point out how nice it is that you have acquired the level of closeness necessary for this relentless bickering. Or comment on a new purse or pair of ear rings they are wearing. Not only does it make them feel good but it makes you feel good to say it.

Tactic # 5, Start to cry: Get those juices flowing. Squeeze out a few tears even better if you can pull off a full-fledged hysterical crying/breathing fit and really make them uncomfortable. Discomfort equals confusion equals defenses down. The situation may be weird for a moment but the awkward silence should end the argument effectively.

Good luck and remember peace is a choice. So love one another.

5 Ways to Enjoy a Red Light

The world is in such a hurry these days. In a society running on Starbucks and work deadlines, it is tough sometimes not to get caught up in the “go, go, go” of every-day-life. I think that red lights have been the bad guys for too long. I think red lights and stop signs and traffic jams all deserve a second thought. And that thought is this: Is it really so bad to pause every once in a while? Is it just awful to have a second to think, to reflect, or to slow down long enough to notice the extraordinary sunset sweeping across the sky? Don’t you ever find yourself wishing you could just escape for a minute? Here is what red lights have been trying to tell us for a century now and five ways to fully appreciate their potential.

1. Take in the stillness.  Take a second and look around and feel the world rush past you. Be a part of the trees or the buildings, the things that are being still, and appreciate life from their perspective. The masters have always told us to go with the flow, but that doesn’t mean losing yourself in it. You deserve to have moments all your own. Be your own flow. Take a deep breath… and then Go.

2. Be grateful.  It always feels good to remember all the things we are thankful for, especially if we are having a bad day or stressing out. You can’t help but stop at a red light (well legally), so even if you are in the biggest hurry of them all, you have permission from traffic laws everywhere to slow down and take a breather. Take advantage of it, relax, name a few reasons you are happy to be doing what you are doing. Think about what you enjoy about your life and what you are fortunate to have.

3. Be friendly.  Notice the people around you. Smile at a stranger. Study your fellow beings. Barge into their lives a little and let them know they are not alone. Making someone smile is a simple gesture that often takes you further than you could ever imagine. ” I don’t even know you, I don’t know what you do for a living or what church you go to or whether you’re a Stealers fan or not, but I’m going to smile at you.” How could that not feel awesome?

5. Quiet your mind. I’m sure we can all relate to streaming and unyielding thinking marathons that just never seem to stop and yet never seem to get us anywhere. You’re just thinking about nothing and everything at the same time and maybe you feel like you wish you could just turn your brain off. Your favorite song is on the radio and you can’t even enjoy it ’cause it’s so loud between your ears. This is when you stop and simply think to yourself “I wonder what my next thought will be?…” (The only way to know if it works is to try it) But I would not suggest doing this while driving, which is why red lights are wonderful!

5. Take care of your body. Red lights are the perfect time to do those little things you should do and always forget to like drink water or do your Kegel exercises! Whenever we do anything nice for our body it sends a message of security and value to all our moving parts and working systems. Cellular biologist, Bruce Lipton, says “our cells really are sentient entities that are trying to work together for our good.” When we send our body messages of love and security our cells take that message and run with it which enables our systems to operate more optimally. Take good care of your body, it will take good care of you.  Also, Doing your Kegel exercises strengthen the PC muscles, helps in treating urinary incontinence and can increase sexual gratification. So many red light wins!

So, instead of being impatient and stressed or bored and stuck with nothing to do but read the bumper stickers on the car in front of you, you now have five productive mind, body, and soul practices to enrich your life one red light at a time. See you out there!

5 Secrets of Bad Days

There is a blue sky shinning outside your window, a fresh cup of coffee in your hand, you’re off to a routine day at a job that may not be great but is however great to have, especially in these times of economic instability. There are really no real problems in your life, yet there is this nagging perhaps even intrusive urge to just flip the eff out! If this is you, today or on other days, I first want to congratulate you on being totally, unmistakably and awesomely human. Just like the rest of us, who are however, having a great day! Secondly I am here to offer these secrets of bad days or if you are too disgruntled to appreciate them then at least a momentary distraction from your life that sucks.

# 1 You may just be stunned by monotony. Maybe there really isn’t anything wrong and you are just subconsciously trying to add a little excitement to your dull everyday routine. Perhaps if you think about it you’ll realize you’ve noticed an almost numbing boredom resonating in the back of your mind as you move swiftly and effortlessly through your day-to-day life. Then, just in time to rescue you from another flawless morning, the bad day blues come charging into reality. You start by imagining your hair looks bad, then, you start noticing things you never notice on good days because everything is just going so damn good. You notice your coffee is too hot to drink, your Grapenuts are stale or that your boots have a hole in them. Your running late (probably due to all the extra noticing you’ve been doing) It only takes a few things to really get the wheels turning and then whoosh, off you go in your premeditated boo-hoo-mobile! (Deep down inside you are thrilled however, over how bored you aren’t being.) If you feel this may be the kind of bad day you are having, take control and remedy it with a controlled twist that leaves you feeling excited (but not like, excited to kick in a bathroom stall and then hide sobbing in the corner excited) Do something different to spice things up like go somewhere new for lunch, listen to a comedy routine on your mobile radio account, maybe make it a netflix night when you get home, instead of just dragging your sorry, tired and uninspired ass, in through the door after a long day of work, just like you always do! Reward yourself rather. You deserve it!

#2 Sometimes the harsh and honest truth is, we are just being whiners. Whiners, looking for attention or wallowing in our own self-pity.  Perhaps we just want someone to laugh with or in this particular situation cry with. “Boo-hoo, I’m having a bad day there’s a hole in my boot, please notice me!” What I hate about these kind of bad days is, I usually am a very upbeat energetic and loving person, always excited to put a smile on someone else’s face but when I get stuck in this pity pool that has been filled with my own sad, sorry tears, I am like the person that I wouldn’t even want to try to cheer up. This is a sad and annoying realization but if this is you on a bad day, you just have to fess up and come to terms with it. Only then can you start getting the attention you are really craving.  I hate to sound like a Positive-Patty here, but positive attention is better than negative attention. So slap yourself on the back or in the face depending on how whiney you were being and get ready to get your nice on! What I’ve learned is: people either really like nice or they are totally creeped out by it. But either way I promise you the attention you get will far surpass the attention or avoidance, that sour-puss pout you’ve been pointing at people all day has gotten you.

#3 Sometimes we are just off kilter and can’t seem to get balanced out no matter how ridiculous we know we are being. This is my personal worst bad day. I have had many days like this. They are my least favorite and no amount of chocolate or yelling at the children or episodes of Dexter can cure it. That’s when you have to really just stop and start over. Your whole life, just start over, move to a new town and find a new family, a new dog…No! I mean start over get back to the basics.  The basics are as follows: sleep, food, water, in some cases sex. All those things in the core of your brain that our primitive ancestors learned to thrive over.  Most of the time my bursts of bad behavior are a result in a hormone or nutrition imbalance. So, when I feel like I’m being ridiculous and there is no outside drama causing me to react the way I’m acting, I stop and think is it possible I haven’t been drinking enough water or eating the right food or enough food, or taking my vitamins, have I had time to myself lately, or time with my honey? Sometimes you just have to take a few deep breaths, drink a glass of water and make yourself a PB&J, while you convince yourself you didn’t get enough sleep last night and everything is fine, you are just over sensitive due to your frail condition.

#4 Sometimes we are being resentful and it slowly starts to unravel into the end all to be all. Suddenly! It happens! Some stupid petty thing sneaks into the daily deliveries truck. You find yourself stuck with a frustration that you were in no way prepared for. Maybe your spouse decided to move an entirely large unneeded piece of furniture in without consulting you first and it has pushed you into a passive aggressive piss parade, maybe the disappointment of the loss of an eBay bid on a one of a kind pair of shoes, or an unexpected call from your nagging, self-righteous, control freak, grandmother has opened Pandora’s box of vigorous triggers to all your self-sabotaging habits. You’ll know if this is your secret of a bad day if ten minutes ago you were perfectly fine and now your head is spinning and you want to run as far away from where the spinning started as fast as you possibly can! Everything that  comes out of your mouth is condescending or served with a side of sarcasm and you’ve made it through half a bag of Dove chocolate and are even too peevish to believe all the sweet little notes on the inside of the wrappers like you usually do. In this case it is important to catch on as soon as possible. Otherwise the resentment monster living on your shoulder will send you crashing miserably into everything and everyone you meet all day. Find a quiet place. I suggest locking yourself in your car for a few minutes. Or if you don’t have a car, then lock yourself in the bathroom and pretend it is your car Close your eyes, and imagine the horrible petty thing that happened, it’s all wrapped up in a pretty little brown package. You scoop it up in your loving, logical hands and take a good look at it, accept it fully for what it is and when you are done soaking in its inescapable existence, look up at the sky and say “Universe, this package sucks. I do not like it, but I accept it and will not let it ruin anymore of my day than it already has, because this feeling or situation will eventually pass and then I will have only wasted my time being resentful.” Then if your eyes are still closed take your package and imagine getting out of your car and placing it on the ground behind your car. Then open your eyes, turn the car on, and back in and out of your drive way 5 or 6 times. If the act of the package killing and resentment freeing doesn’t work, see paragraph three-sentences one and two.

#5 The totally awesome life changing event that is disguised as your worst nightmare. We all have expectations in life, even though we are told its best not to. Most of the time we are just expecting the basics, like to make it to work without getting in an accident, or to not be betrayed by our closest friends or family, or we expect to have enough money to cover all our expenses. But then something unforeseen happens and we are immediately panicked or forlorn. Perhaps a F150 smashes into you on the way to work, or a friend or lover betrays your trust, a check bounces or you are injured and stuck with an immense amount of medical debt. All these things could ruin any day. But eventually you will come to terms with it all.. the sooner we do that the better. As hard as it is to see the positive in situations like this, we must try. The best way to do this is to turn to gratitude. You may be thankful that the accident only damaged your car or that injuries did not result in taking your life, you may be thankful to know that you have the choice to choose who is in your life and who isn’t, maybe you are thankful that although it may seem like you do not have enough money at the moment, there are still literally endless possibilities for money and resources to manifest themselves in your life, if you would only acknowledge the possibility and appreciate all that is present, from love and family to a roof over your head and a meal in your tummy. On top of all you have there is always the possibility that this one horrible thing is the stepping stone to an event or an action on your part that will change your life for the better. You may never know but there is no harm in feeling good, even when you are not supposed to!