All I need.

Tonight I drove home from work in a snow storm. The world looking like a Lite-Brite smeared behind cold glass. The snow flakes just pouring down under street lights in every direction. Sugar rain from an endless source.

And I thought to myself…
“Abundance.”

And then I felt that each snowflake that landed on my car brought something that I needed into my life. Each a solution, a blessing, or surprise.

One for a peaceful house when I get home. One for words that untie the tangles in my soul. One for the exercise my body is craving. One for every single person who will feed me their soul-chips.

Countless specks for love and laughter. Some for the music that soothes me. Some for joys, some for strength, some for ease. Some for the way through uncertainty.

On and on it went. A lifetime of everything I need landing on me. Even the things I can’t name yet or things that may never have a name. Even the things that have come and I’ve forgotten them but they left a kind of peace.

Endless, endless, endless, support in each landing. Until soon each crystal drew a whisper from my love drenched heart.

A soft and happy “Thanks.”

For Kim, Priestess of Pronoia – who taught me this concept with falling leaves.

may it be here

May it be here,
In this life that screams “Mom, Mom, Mom!”
In the rushing breeze
And noisy trees.
May it be here,
In my sweat,
In my running shoes,
In the storm that could soak us.
May it be here,
Between bursts of rationality,
Probing themes of time and energy.
May it be here,
Among the aimless wanderers,
A park bench, and the weeds,
May it be here,
With sirens and rain in the distant air,
The wind whooshing more and more.
May it be here,
In this body, in these clothes,
With an empty belly,
And a stuffy nose.
May it be here,
That I live.
The children flying on swings to foreign lands.
With their quick feet and strong willful bellies,
A sacred power animating their forms.
Their stampeding-elephant wills, May sometimes make me feel as if I’ll be run over.
One child is a bird,
And one a Tarzan,
And I love this.
But I have to admit sometimes I don’t know how to be with them.
I forget myself in my exhaustion.
I front power plays, I bluff serenity.
Then I remember the power of intention.
And it is here in the panic and anxiety that I allow my heart to drink vats of gratefulness.
It is here I relearn to play their game,
A play inherited by the power that moves them, that power that moves me too.
It is here I find imperfection and grace and empowerment.
And it is here that resistance falls
And the drama in my mind settles like dust.
I smell rain and am awash with a sense of knowing
I borrow their hearts and their ears
May it be here
That I live.

fall

I feel like the leaf outside.

Blowing everywhere but not settling,

I can’t figure out how to settle.

I can’t figure out if I’m just supposed to go along for the ride

It seems lazy and unproductive.

It feels right but it seems wrong

And  I feel like the moon.

New and hungry for my potential to shine.

Perhaps I should drink tea

And read books and just wait for something to come to me

Wait to drift down and know.

Now tho I’m just riding the wind

curious

* Found this poem I wrote in High School while I was looking for old material for a poetry contest. Thought I’d share it. Since it’s one of the only comical poems I’ve ever written…

We had spoken before, just a short “Hello, Goodbye.”
He was kind of jumpy, but an interesting guy.
It wasn’t really stalking; I was just curious where he’d go.
It couldn’t actually be a crime, just to want to know.
Oh, those pictures I’d taken? They were only for fun.
I had to take so many, well, it was hard to get a nice one
with him always on the run.
No, I didn’t break into his house.
He mistook me for the maid,
whom I assure you, I wasn’t trying to impersonate.
I haven’t a clue how she could have gotten in my trunk.
Or, for that matter, how the car could have so strangely fallen off that cliff and sunk.
The night in question? I was at a mad party with a hatter and a hare.
I don’t know what got into me. I’m sure I just had too much tea.
I must not have realized how many messages I had left on his machine.
But I assure you I wasn’t trying to harass him.
I just had a question I needed to ask him.
And the park where I jog is just so close to Mr. Rabbit’s home.
I certainly didn’t mean to loiter.
And, so you see, I really find no need for this restraining order.

 

story

There’s this story.

Underneath every thought I have,
every breath,
just waiting,
restlessly, passionately
to be real.
It’s gripping.
Keeps trying to hold me.
And kiss me.
And give me pleasure.
And security.
So there.
I said it.
It’s like this story’s got
a mind of its own
but the same soul as me.
It’s like a lie tho right now
at this point…
Because the story doesn’t match
what’s really going on.
Or does it?!
Maybe it’s not on the surface yet
that’s all.
It could be tracking me tho.
Maybe it’s creeping on me
So that when it comes knocking
at my door
I know it’s face.
And I answer with some recognition.
I open that door wide and say
Come in, I knew you’d be here.

what I know

1. I know what it’s like to have different colored days
2. I know the wash of the moon as it travels on its monthly journey
3. I know the smell of fear
4. And the whisper of faith
5. I know what it’s like to love like the Moon loves the sea, it can be a secret, subtle, lonely bliss
6. I know the break of the boards beneath my feet.
7. I know the flip of frustration
8. And the chains of stagnation
9. And the halo of bright righteous peace
10. I know what reunion feels like
11. I know what a map can cover up
12. I know the words that might turn me inside out
13. I know clinging
14. I know detachment
15. I know this moment in time is a fraction of the infinite
16. I know the more I know the less I know
17. I know I’m ready for anything, because I have to be
18. I know there’s rules in this game
19. I know it’s a game
20. I know Curiosity and I know Hunger (and they are siblings)
21. I know Passion and it’s illusive sparkle and brilliant code of suffering
22. I know the power of words
23. I know the love of a seed
24. I know the season of Grief, it is Transformation’s prerequisite
25. I know really good love is drenched in laughter
26. And mistakes and trying
27. I know singing will stop anxiety in its tracks
28. I know the seed of courage is vulnerability
29. I know 120 seasons
30. I know 30 trips around the sun

ancient heart

I am the sum of many parts
Dreams
Schemes
Curiosity
Habits
Unfinished starts
Darkness
Light
Lessons
Lies
Microcosmic might..

I am all the aspects of life,
random or otherwise
that filled the space and time
that was before this.
I am an effect of a Greater cause.
I am a factor in Universal law.
And a genuine expression of History’s performance thus far.

Its highest highs and lowest lows,
its timeless beauty its endless woes,
Its long tales and its short tales,
its inhales and its exhales,
its every person and every place,
its many failures, its saving grace,
its primal instinct to evolve,
to play, to solve.

I am a microcosm.
bound to the pattern of life
No getting out of it.
Still tho,
I am a new thing,
And so are you.
never like this before
a door to a brand new world
Part masterpiece
Part mess, none the less
here to create what IS possible
As the sum of many parts
Just Like Levi said…
My future has an ancient heart…

messengers

It’s nice to be here

Knowing nothing
And expecting everything
to come of it.
Watching the ravens & magpies
Experiment with each other
Their black and blue feathers
Rebelling against the white-out world
Covered in snow & sympathy
Messengers of Failure’s mascaraed
As they attempt
Their tricks
Vigorously
Endlessly
Until finally
One swoop delivers them to victory.
And just as they did, their failure,
they accept their fortune
No questions
No need to define it as tangible
Just truth
promises to repeat their damning ways, trusting faithfully in their own
persistence
Until they have completed their work in the world.

The, when you need wholeness, love and clarity LIST


Dear self. When you feel like a sick, prick with no direction, read this.

  • Read things that you’ve written. – this is your trail of breadcrumbs, your way back home.
  • Drink more water.
  • Take your mind herbs – your nervous system is likely a whirling mess (especially if it’s Autumn) Take care of your brain and it will take care of you.
  • Long showers & candle light & self massage – you’re craving the sweet taste.. but really you know you’re craving love, touch, and warmth.
  • Don’t forget to feel – stop chasing “info” & “facts” and just fucking feel. “Know what you know, and if you don’t know something, know that its okay because it is the truth.” – Melody Beattie
  • Remember this is temporary – this may be what is true for you right now, but it is not all there is. “The truth will set you free…but first it will piss you off.” – Gloria Steinem
  • Dance.
  • Drink Chamomile tea.
  • Eat food that is Alive – that means there is still a shred of life in it, it hasn’t been processed to death or over cooked. Life energy gives way to life energy – if you are feeling dead inside, don’t add more dead stuff to the mix.
  • Write – just write, even if its just a stupid list telling you what you already know (especially if what you know is gratitude.)
  • Reach out – write a letter, go to a meeting, send the same text to dozens of people in a desperate, honest, abrupt attempt to know you aren’t alone – send the message you would like to receive. We get what we give. (Hey _____ (one or all/any people I know) Hope you are doing awesome shit and taking good care of yourself. I really appreciate you.)
  • Go outside – or at the very least, LOOK outside. (the natural world is honest and longing to show you what’s real)
  • Don’t (just don’t) expect to know anything right now – this includes: what you’re doing, who you are, or where you’re going… “And I’ll be the most beautiful in this moment… or the most cynical and strange, I can always rearrange, I can always find myself just how I am.”
  • Deep belly breathing (deep breaths for a young (wo)man learning)
  • Stick to as many of your rituals as you can. (remember gratitude first thing in the A.M. work when it’s time to work, eat when it’s time to eat, dance when it’s time to dance, honor your quiet time rule after dinner, take your vitamins, brush your teeth, consult your planner)
  • Ponder the notion that Life is just a ride at some cosmic amusement park…
  • Find your most extreme feeling and counter it – If you feel cold (cold hands, cold thoughts, cold heart) give yourself warmth (hot tea, warm stories, self massage) If you’re feeling crazy – go to what/where you feel stability (a straight line, hang out with rocks, tree pose) If you feel unorganized and full of too much distraction – go to what/where you feel is quiet or systematic (your planner, the library, sweep the floors) etc.. “Immerse yourself in the energy of what you most desire” – Hiro Boga
  • Go to your guides – trust in signs, talk less & listen more, see what your superstars are saying – open your favorite book of daily meditations or poetry to a random page and read it.
  • Remember gratitude.
  • Fall face first into the pillows and scream – then burn some sage and say “thanks.”
  • Stop taking yourself so seriously – for today, remove every label you have ever applied to yourself except HUMAN and STUDENT.
  • Commit to asking yourself these questions a week from now – for now just collect the information you’ll use to answer them.
  • Listen to your PMS playlist -Songs for when you need to relax and remember that you are AMAZING and life is about learning and growing.

“So many times I’ve wondered where I’ve gone, and how I found my way back in.” – Norah Jones

With Love & Light,

Your truest Self

summer solstice

Because there’s only light,

as we dance between the leaves.

And the flowers bow their heavy heads

with the strength and courage

of full blooms.

 

We follow paths that twist and shrink

like the ones that traverse

our own minds and hearts.

And discover as we walk in single file

our majestic blooming selves.

 

Because there’s only light.

And it glimmers through the trees

as it does our fingers.

And emanates from dreams

and off our skin.

 

We learn to savoir the taste of the

summer air.

And the scent of the lilacs.

Their kiss awakening

the stories of every former midnight sun,

of every dream that reached through a dark night

to burst into its final

Bloom

whole body

Once I held my breath

And waited patiently

As though that would make me a saint

I rejected beauty where it was in the form

Of gruesomeness and pain

Thinking I could pull God apart

And discover her love

Somehow separate from the rest of her body

A body that I have begun

To know better now

Like I’d know my own

Aware of the places that hurt

And the places that excite and cry out in ecstasy.

Her body is perfectly flawed

And irrevocably Holy

Her beauty encompassing

All that is “pure” and all that is “lost”

And equalizing them with a single breath

A breath I do not hold so much any more

But savoir

With no attempts of capturing it

A breath that yields to every breath

That ever danced before or after it

Bringing me home to the oneness

Of her whole body

A body that begs to understand itself

The way I trace my abdomen and hips

With my fingers hoping to fully embrace

The magic and wonder

Of my seemingly separate body

Hoping to capture the whisper

Of my “highest” potential and grace

As if it weren’t marbled into my whole essence

As if I weren’t just another piece of her

Whole perfectly flawed body

earth mothers

Earth mothers know what it takes

to give and keep on giving.

And watch with love and acceptance

each seed her children are planting

Earth mothers know the selfless act

of letting go

And smile with faith and patience

as her children reap the seeds they sow,

and become certain they know so much

and forget how to listen, or at times lose touch.

Earth mothers know how to keep the connection strong

and pull her children close like gravity

to a place they know for sure that they belong.

Earth mothers know that disaster is a part of the cycle

and that what remains is always stronger after

because beneath the remnants of what “was”

is the truth of what really is.

Earth mothers know the pureness of tears,

like the rain that washes over pain.

And reveals the rainbow colors of change…that hug the edges of the light

that otherwise you might not know is there

Earth mothers know the lure of the moon.

And the introspective language of the stars.

And urge temples and lincoln log towers to reach towards the sky

where her children may look upward and outward and

somehow end up back inside themselves.

Earth mothers know how to gently stir her children awake.

And point them towards a sun that blinds them with love,

introduce them to forests that show them that to grow

everything else must also grow,

and to Earth Mother herself who has taught a mother all she knows.

Today

Today I will be
Creative
Inspired
Inspiring…
with love and laughter
and silent intention
that weighs warm and heavy in the air
affording, if only just a moment
of space well held
For a stranger, for a friend, for myself

A space where less is more
and meanings are louder than words
and conversations are felt not heard
and sounds and glances glitter
modestly on top
like stars sprinkled upon a vast darkness of truth and infinity

– Big Love, Kenzie

Greatness

I am a mush of greatness this morning
Like oatmeal – with too much maple syrup
Longing to seep everywhere
and penetrate your salty skin

Longing to weigh heavy on your scattered thoughts
like a blanket of sweet truth
“It is all here.”… I would whisper
into
your cold ears
“It is all here just reach out your hand, your mind, your heart.. and take it!”

I am a paper heart this morning
speckled with glimmery scraps
of
tissue paper and glue
Longing to take you far into an old memory
That you have forgotten lately, but is the truth of things
The truth of love and courage and freedom.
One taste of this memory and you are
intoxicated with faith
A humbleness you can’t explain with your adult mind
or perhaps swallow as your ego stands panting over your shoulder

Even still, I am a noisy dog this morning,
that “clickity-clacks” behind you
and longs to nudge you and love you
despite your bossy ego
Urging you to break down and pour out love and laughter
from the moment you rise
urging you to spill your tea and say “oh well.”

Good Morning.

dear Zipporah

Take a look
While you are still
Take in the humor, and the irony
The twists of faith in everything
The sky upon the hill

Accept what it is, as what is
and it will be more mysterious still
but accepting it will set you free

Don’t be afraid to move around,
Till you feel your feet find solid ground
I know it’s hard to settle in sometimes
So much easier to just “survive”

Just remember change shall ever remain
Sometimes bringing diamonds dipped in pain
Or beauty deep within the darkest days

Remember, recollect and rearrange
Be what you call forth
Be the change that you endorse
Be the star that you look towards

Love, Mom

mom’s poem (age 17)

A child still wanders through the lands
that lived in library books and puppet shows
I still run bare foot through puddles
and stick my fingers in hot pools of melted wax,
to remember the feeling
of putting small “smell-good-hearts” in your cupped hands
The smell of thrift stores, your infectious laugh

Though lullabies and fireflies linger in my dreams,
the last tufts of Babies-Breath are wilting at my feet

A disarray of lessons, and particular moments and secrets,
turning the soil soft and sweet

A bed made for a new age

17 years of your doting endearment
have made gardens of my childhood
and a perennial morale grow, from the hearts of troubled seeds

The band on your finger, that let me know which hand was yours in a crowed place
or sea of uncertainty
Still I look for that beacon to guide me in the right direction when I am lost
Showing me always to turn towards the sun

No one could be a better mother to me,
I hope to become the Rose, you meant for me to be

dad’s poem

These tendencies surface boldly from within,
some from the day I started breathing,
some from the times I lost my wind..
I pull them close and feel their urges
and your shadow dances on the edges
I still climb to high places
my breath tugging at my throat
so I can dangle my feet from imperiling ledges..
That part of you in my point of view
telling me to stand tall even when I feel small
It tells me to wear my heart out on my sleeve
and at times, I’m even brave enough, to turn it over in ink
All from watching you
You’ve lived honestly in front of me
I’ve learned from watching you that it’s important
to question what I think
And when life seems hopeless or off kelter
I use your wisdom as a filter..
You taught me to paint the world
with love and humor
The sweetest moments I remember, are of us
drenched in our own laughter
And when there is heavy silence
your music fills my ears, sooths my soul..
and relieves my fears
the same way it always has
for all these years

here is good… where ever that is.

I think I’m going to have to set aside
this wayward thinking style…
And how ‘bout trying just to stay
Let the others run their pace awhile

Now here’s the ground I stood, its feeling weak
The places are the same, most the people haven’t changed
I guess that leaves it up to me..
Plenty of forgiveness, no one left to blame

Here it is… Staring me in the eyes..
I’ve had enough to look at but I’ve failed to realize
That this feeling I’ve been searching for is nowhere to be found
‘Cause it’s been waiting all this time for me to come around

And I think I’m going have to come back in
From these memories I’ve been playing in
I’ll never find myself in old photographs
Nostalgia’s an illusion now just waiting to attack

It’s the times I lose myself, I know I grow
And tell me you will stay, or tell me you will go
It makes no difference to me
‘cause this place I’m in, will still be
The place I need to stand inside the most

So here it is… starting me in the eyes
I had enough to look at but I failed to realize
That I’ll be the most beautiful in this moment
Or the most cynical and strange.. I can always rearrange
I can always find myself just how I am

an anthem

You know what I remembered today?…
It’s okay to want to be alone
It’s okay to take yourself away, to practice what you are
or what you want to be.
It’s okay to dance alone in the candle light to a familiar beat
one that feels like a retreat and brings all the best parts of you to the surface
Lets you shine in the darkness where no one may notice… but you will.
You’ll be a bright shinning ball of light if only for a moment,
the stars will accept you as one of their own.
They’ll adore you and respect you.
It’s okay to be fearsome and brave
and scare all the negative notions stalking you away.
It’s nice to shed those garbage thoughts like dirty clothes
and get naked like it’s just you and your soul and it’s endless prose
urging you to move till you feel everything stop chasing you
and nothing unrighteous touching you.
It’s okay to fall in love with who you are
and take buckets of that love and shed it on another
surely it splashes off you anyway
and seeps into all the cracks and crevices of your life
like a sparkling liquid that will harden into glue.
All because of you.
All because you danced.
All because you took a chance, because you took a stand,
because you realigned, often, perhaps even hundreds of times.
Because you were steadfast, you’ll change in the future
yet admired your past.
It’s good to point this out sometimes
because sometimes we forget…
It all keeps moving, growing, building, flowing.
It’s all so easy to see when you’re alone.
When you’re alone you’re truly home
free to relax or rearrange, if you don’t like the way your home feels
you’re free to tear down and reclaim.
Free to place little reminders on the windowsills and mirrors
free to be emotional or relieved,
free to even change what you believe,
free to feel safe even amidst uncertainty
safe because you always have some where to go, somewhere to be
somewhere to call your own. Just close your eyes
and let your breath bring you home.

letters to the Universe

Try to wrap your mind around

Something deep inside you
Moving through you
Bumping us together
Watching us be clever
Pulling at your soul
Like a parachute from your chest
And existence and creation are the winds…
That send us sailing on like letters God has sent
Kismet pure, it seems
Turn towards anything
Fall away from time and space
They’re only ideas anyway
And how do you feel being naked and alone
Flowers bloom around your bones…
And then you are anything, you are anyone, you are anywhere
You’re everything

side streets and manifestations

May we walk
steady as we go
Full of wonder and compassion
as we grow

Listening only
to the surest smallest voice
Running our fingers intuitively
through every possible choice..

May we find our spirits
the lanterns in the dark
Where there is dampness
may we remain the spark

May we pull our sleeves over our knuckles
and grab tight the handles and buckles
as we bump along adjusting
at every corner assessing
every turn, every challenge

till we are part of every sway
we flow with the rhythms and days
and cycles rooted deep a midst
our natural adaptations

side streets and manifestations…

morning meditation

Mountains sit like Deities in the window
Urging stillness, in my peripheral
I’d be wise to let them urge me
Let them show me, let them be me

It’s not common practice
to sit and wait for nothing
and linger in the moment
in fact we have been conditioned, not to, that it’s lazy

My breath is steam, as I clutch my tea,
it melts into the morning

I could travel a thousand miles,
right from where I’m sitting
But I resist
I stay and visit
the moment takes me in like a dear friend

Man, I’m glad I didn’t miss it
It may seem silly, may seem awkward
But I’m glad I finally accept the offer

black tea revelation

Thoughts stare back at me
in a reflection on black tea
Guess you never know when you’ll run into yourself
steam swirls
circles
and curls questions sink and melt
Tea leaves float the surface like tiny boats and striving hopes
that sail right through the harshest storms
shapes and forms reveal themselves
in the midst a revelation is born
One Solid shining notion
Pulled from a pool of liquid black
Sparkles hug the curves of optimism
the way the lunar shadow hugs the edges around the inside of my cup
Reminds me of the tides and all life’s cycles
Roll with the downs
Roll with the ups
You have to be just as brave to finish as you were to start