I know I desire a slow form of living this year. So that I can notice more and pay tribute to more and let myself flow.
I’m learning what slows me and delights me. Quietude. Sometimes writing my way through noisy storms in my mind. Some times just sitting, watching, breathing.
I want to pause more I guess. When I’m enjoying something I want to stretch it out. Make it last, collect and keep a piece of its essence for fuel.
Ways to keep my flow:
Brain dump lists
Candle light in darkness
Posture and breath practices
Sweet savored sips or bites
Ps. Do you have stay in the flow rituals? Please share.
I do feel better now. The last few days my mind has been tripping over all kinds of things. Searching. Taste testing. Falling from heights I did not realize were inside of me.
Then I decide to go home – The simple but often forgotten practice of rediscovering my body. It’s a slow, patient, process that I don’t always believe there is time for. But I can’t forget it’s power. I bask in how it went. Grabbing toes, turning on the little muscles that make my ass and thighs shake. Twitching, counting, dancing, having little contests with myself. The smell of my hair as it tickles my nose in a long held pose, hints of sage and cinnamon. The stretch and lengthening that my breath creates, against the beat of rhythms that turn the lights down in my mind, make all the rough spots smooth, and the uncertain spots strong.
Remembering that I have a body always helps with the anxiety that comes this time of year. Remembering My roots, remembering I belong in this place, in this vessel that is governed by universal laws. I am not “on the outside” of anything. This shelter I call my body is made of the same elements that have produced planets, including the one I live on. All the lifeforms here (including me) are bits of her flesh. The same processes that propel the moon and stars move me through time and space as well. I am part of the body of life. I’m a sliver of the infinite.
And it’s all going to be ok.
Then there is nothing “too” big anymore. Things are small and put in there proper proportions. Human drama = minuscule, loneliness = impossible, Life = unstoppable, this moment = everything I need.
I know I am loved now. I can relax into unfathomable billows of love. Because this body, this planet, this Life are propelled by a kind of life-giving love. And it shows me how to be the one who loves me. Because Love is embedded in this “going” we call time. It is the ancient root that tendrils us all.
Ps. This song.
I Know contentment.
I Know the power
of my varied edges and sides.
I Know they are just right.
They are serving me.
I Know patience.
I Know its waves of anticipation
also, its warm incubation.
I Know my Source.
It’s endless loving essence.
Its assurance, it’s ability, and delight.
I know because I want to.
Ps. Here’s a similar piece called What I Know (A Birthday edition)
Sometimes I wish I were different already.
That I could untie the knots in my mind, on demand.
Make my limbs reach more readily for the love that I crave.
But there’s this ravine it seems, between me and the creature I wish to be.
There’s some big long journey involved?
…Or is there?
Is that just an excuse, a story of resistance?
Did words not create this story to begin with? As they do so many other things? As they will my freedom.
Is all I desire simply one step away?
My untrusting mind frozen in place?
I wish I could thaw it.
Perhaps I can..
Perhaps I just need to speak the warm words that will melt my trepidation.
Fear not! – where your next step will land you.
Know that you are only everything you say you are.”
“I am Veracious Love.”
And now, move.
I want to know your deepest darkest truth…
your happy truth
your frightened truth
your broken truth
your crazy truth
your rebel truth
your fantasy truth
your thankful truth
your human truth
I think I’m going to have to set aside
this wayward thinking style…
And how ‘bout trying just to stay
Let the others run their pace awhile
Now here’s the ground I stood, its feeling weak
The places are the same, most the people haven’t changed
I guess that leaves it up to me..
Plenty of forgiveness, no one left to blame
Here it is… Staring me in the eyes..
I’ve had enough to look at but I’ve failed to realize
That this feeling I’ve been searching for is nowhere to be found
‘Cause it’s been waiting all this time for me to come around
And I think I’m going have to come back in
From these memories I’ve been playing in
I’ll never find myself in old photographs
Nostalgia’s an illusion now just waiting to attack
It’s the times I lose myself, I know I grow
And tell me you will stay, or tell me you will go
It makes no difference to me
‘cause this place I’m in, will still be
The place I need to stand inside the most
So here it is… starting me in the eyes
I had enough to look at but I failed to realize
That I’ll be the most beautiful in this moment
Or the most cynical and strange.. I can always rearrange
I can always find myself just how I am